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GAY PEOPLE'S CHRONICLE May 25, 2001

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bigtips

Is my position on issues going to kill my social life?

by M.T. "the Big Tipper" Martone

Dear Big Tipper,

I moved here about three months ago, and I've been going out to meet guys, and have hooked up with a few. I'm just starting to see guys at the bars who remember me and say hi, so I feel like I'm starting to make friends.

This past Saturday some guys I've seen

invited me to sit with them at their table. It was on the upper level, so the music wasn't so loud you couldn't talk.

The conversation seemed to be mostly just about their jobs and the guys who were there that night. Then someone said something about Timothy McVeigh, and how he was disappointed that executions weren't broadcast, and that someone was supposed to be webcasting it, but that general people couldn't get access.

As the conversation went on, it was clear that all of them thought the execution was totally the right thing, and I felt like they were waiting for me to agree. I didn't say anything, and then this guy asked me didn't I wish I could watch it?

I said no. I know he's committed a terrible crime, and in a way, no punishment is big enough, but I really think that capital punishment is wrong. It's fighting violence with violence. And how can you be punishing someone when they're dead? It's worse to be in jail for your whole life. I think people are being sold capital punishment because it's cheaper than having to pay for jail time.

I didn't say all of that to them, but I just said that I didn't agree with the death penalty. They were really surprised and I felt embarrassed, and the conversation just slowed down and stopped. Then they got up to go dance, and I knew that they wouldn't be inviting me over for a friendly porn viewing any time soon.

Do you think there was any way for me to have dealt with this without alienating the only people I've really met here so far? Not a Killer Personality

Dear Didn't Slay Them,

No. And they sound like a bunch of dicks (and not the good kind), so try not to worry about it. When you first move, it can take quite a while to find the people you'll actu ally end up becoming good friends with. Just like in dating, there are a lot of bores and idiots and just-plain-incompatibles out there to be weeded through.

You just found out that these guys aren't going to be quality posse members without having to suffer though a whole summer of boring and politically torturous barbeques. Aren't you glad you saved yourself the headache?

Whether these guys felt accused by what you said, or had just jumped on a bandwagon

and were embarrassed that they couldn't defend their position, or they were actually vehement supporters of the death penalty who took umbrage at your position, they don't seem like folks who could engage in any kind of a sustained conversation about something important to you. Granted, it's nice to have some folks to talk about asses with at the bar, but I'm thinking that you'll find better.

I think the fact that you felt compelled to say what you think is brilliant, and will

ultimately be what connects you with the people you'll be friends with in your new digs. It's better to be a solid person who's shopping for friends than a popular person who's shopping for a personality.

P.S., conviction is admirable and sexy. Keep it up.

The bars may be a good place to hook up and relax, but you might consider joining some sort of political group so you can meet some homos in a less smoky and more politically sympathetic clime. Volunteering looks good on your résumé, feels good to do, and secretly, frequently ends up in cool employment and high quality friendships.

You may need to hop around through organizations: There are more and less healthy groups with better and worse volunteer programs. Poke around, and you'll find something cool. It doesn't even have to be a gig with a queer group. Some groups are more likely to just organically attract homos (like, oh, libraries), and besides, if you're new in town, you need to freshen up your whole friend pool, so you need to accept applications for straightish and bi-ish friend positions, too (to powerfully mix a metaphor). Good luck, sweets.

The weather's getting warmer, so what's it time for? Surfing! Um, not the out in nature kind, though. Here, have fun on your lunch break:

http://scriptorium.lib.duke.edu/women/ pulp.html This lesbian pulp novel site has a really nice bibliography with blurbs on each book. "How could a bitch-kitten like Toni hold Val in thrall?" How indeed?

www.scarleteen.com/ This is a fabulous site for young women about sex, but since there's info on boy and girl stuff, I think boys would find it pretty interesting, too. Nonpatronizing, sexy, useful info that I sure wish I'd had access to in junior high. Actually, an interesting read for anyone, especially anyone who works with youth.

For example? Here's a piece on coming out subtitled "How to Come Out of the Closet Without Tripping on the Laundry": www.scarleteen.com/gaydar/out.html.

Zaftig: Sex for the Well-Rounded: www.xensei.com/users/zaftig/admin/ home.htm Dirty! Chunky! Sassy! Say no more!

www.femmerotic.com/port/index.html Once again, theoretically a gal site, but useful for anyone. Look for Zen and the Art of Sex Advice. I think I'm out of a job.

www.unionoflove.com/cards/index.html You may find them sweet, or so awful they're great, but whatever you think, they're free! www.lambdalit.org/lammy/index.htm Whatcha gonna be reading the next day you have deliciously off? Or maybe just on the plane as you head off on a business trip? Here's the Lambda Literary Award site, with hot tips for quality homotextual forays. www.lileks.com/institute/interiors/ Okay, this isn't technically queer, but it makes me laugh so hard that I can't let myself read even one page at work, because I laugh so hard it's embarrassing. This site unlovingly details the fine points of the excesses of 1970s interior design.

Burning questions? Contact me at the Chronicle, attention Big Tips, P.O. Box 5426, Cleveland 44101, or fax to 216-631-1052, or e-mail to martone@drizzle.com.

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